What has isolation taught me?

This week is the turn of our second Quran-teen-Ambassador, Tegan.

Well, not to boast, but I think I have mastered some new skills. For one, I can now watch YouTube from a 180 degree angle, whilst…in downward dog! But, apart from filling my days with fun, mostly pointless activities, isolation has also taken me on a roller-coaster ride of emotions, where I’ve come to some important realisations about myself.

In one day alone, I have felt overwhelming happiness, anxiety, anger, gratitude and loneliness. I have found it hard to get motivated, easy to eat chocolate and easier still to slump on the sofa and say ‘this is impossible‘.

Yet, I have also had days like today, writing this, in the sunshine, whilst wearing an outfit I love (no PJ`s in sight BTW!). So when I got stuck writing this blog, I turned to my friends. Pixelated as they may have been, they said, “come on, you can do this!” and, even better, through their cheesy smiles and fist pumps, they told me two very important things:

No. 1: I was not alone

No. 2: I could do this

As someone who is adopted, feeling isolated is not a new experience. Throughout my life, I have had times where I have felt very alone. I have felt left out of friendship groups, classrooms and even family gatherings. What someone else would think of as a simple question, like “how much did you weigh when you were born?” or “what colour are your dad’s eyes?” has had the ability to set me off into a spiral of disconnection, detachment and rejection of the people around me.

So many times, a voice in my head has perpetuated my isolation by telling me “you are not like everyone else here” and “you don’t belong”. This has often been paired with a deep seated feeling that if they actually cared or understood me, they would know not to ask such questions in the first place.

Before I knew it, the voices would multiply and overwhelm me, until I would be walking away from my friends as they laughed over baby photos, I would be refusing to help in school group-work or make rash decisions not to speak to a certain relative again because of what they just said. In a few seconds, I can convince myself that I am totally alone, even when I am surrounded by people who love and care about me. So you could say, I am a self-isolation expert!

However, like earlier today, my experiences have taught me that these feelings do pass and that by letting people in, even when I feel the loneliest and least understood, my friends and family will always be there for me. Even when it comes to things they don’t understand, they won’t hesitate to run after me when I leave, give me a hug or even just a smile.

Whether it`s zoom calling your grandparents, having film nights with family or baking your favourite cake with you siblings, making sure we stay in touch with the people we love is the best thing we can do right now. I hope you are all healthy and happy, and remember, ending a worldwide pandemic is tough, but together, we are tougher!

So yes, coronavirus might be making connecting to others harder, but for every one of us who has felt lonely before, we can look at isolation and think:  You know what, we have beaten this before, we got this!

If you or any other adopted teenager you know might be struggling right now, tell them about Teen Talk. Teen Talk is free online support service where adopted teens help other adopted teens make sense of their thoughts, feelings and worries, visit www.scottishadoption.org/teentalk for more information.

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It’s Mel!

The first of our Teen Talk blogs come from our Children’s Worker Mel!

The office is closed, life feels very different, but its Wednesday, so the After Adoption Team at Scottish Adoption are together at their usual time for the weekly staff meeting. However, this week, we’re beaming-in for our first virtual video meet up. As I waited for the meeting to begin, I reflected on my own week. It’s been tough. I’ve felt a bit wobbly and am worried about what all of this situation and its current restrictions would mean for my ability to practice. That said, as each of the team’s familiar yet pixelated faces appeared and we shared, laughed and supported one another, I felt re-assured, more relaxed and ready to get back to working in supporting our families. Plans have been made to ensure that our Social Workers will continue to offer regular individual video/voice calls and that our therapists are creating innovative ways to offer Music, Art and Occupational Therapy. So basically: same, same; but different.

This week I experienced first hand that staying connected, no matter what form it takes, is incredibly important. Scottish Adoption is a community that supports one another and we want to continue to support you the same we always have. If you need any support for you or your family over this difficult time, for any reason, please get in touch. We’re in this together.

Mini Blog number 2 will from our Teen Ambassadors The ISOL8EENS

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Race Across The World!

One couple who are going through their homestudy reflect on the adoptive family currently in the BBC2 show Race Across The World.

Race Across The World

This is a TV show on BBC2 now in its second series which my partner and I watch together. The premise is that five or six teams of two have to cover a large distance over land from a starting point to a finish point on a budget of £26 a day. They cannot use planes so have to rely on buses, trains etc. and teams get eliminated later on in the competition if they are the last ones to reach a checkpoint on a particular leg of the journey. This second series covers Mexico City to Ushuaia at the south of Argentina 25,000 km away.

The second series features Jo (Mum) and Sam (Son, 19). At first you don’t know anything about their relationship or history other than that they are Mother and Son however as the series progresses, we discover that Sam was adopted at the age of 6 months. Jo and her partner already had one birth child before adopting Sam. Once Jo reveals this you can understand their relationship better. Sam has been through numerous schools and been told that he is stupid by fellow pupils and teachers but he also has ADHD and Jo later found out about Foetal Alcohol Syndrome. Sam wasn’t academic at school but relishes being outside doing physical work such as gardening and labouring, which also helps him work off his excess energy. He also can’t concentrate or take information in for long periods of time, so Jo often takes this lead in planning their journey. Jo is so supportive of Sam in every way but sometimes too focused on wanting them to win that she forgets why they have come on the journey together.

Sam finds his ADHD frustrating and it sometimes leads to tensions – during the course of the series they have to stop to do work locally to earn money to help keep their budget afloat. Sam really struggles working tables in a bar as he doesn’t like being around too many people and doesn’t understand the language. Because of this he gets very frustrated with himself and nearly quits the show. Jo is keen to drive them forward and do well in each leg of the race to stay in the competition. The situation in the bar causes Jo to reassess how she is mapping their journey and she then takes a different tack – instead of constantly travelling and working she builds in more frequent experiences to help Sam enjoy himself and release his energy by snowboarding in the desert or going to the salt lakes. Ultimately she wants the experience to be a positive one for him, whether they win or lose. She also looks for work that Sam will enjoy more, so instead of bar work the next job they do is working on the fields with a farmer, looking after goats and gathering firewood and Sam really flourishes here. Jo adapts their experience to better meet Sam’s needs, also giving him some independent time to explore cities so that she is not always with him and he can make his own decisions, and as a result they both work together better as a team. At the time of writing they are both still in the race. To watch the clip where Jo talks about adopting Sam click here.

For me, personally, it’s so great to see an adult relationship with their adopted parent. So many things you’ll see are about kids so it’s really refreshing to see the development of how that relationship looks over time. Jo and Sam are a brilliant example of a supportive mother/son relationship where they both understand each other and can talk to each other about their relationship. This way Jo can understand Sam’s needs better and respond to them. It’s great to see that despite Sam experiencing adversity in the form of bullying, his ADHD and FAS, these things have not held him back in finding out what works for him and what he enjoys doing. Jo has been his advocate every step of the way. Jo expressed anxiety about whether she could ever love Sam because he was adopted, but her obvious love and concern for him now show what a great model Jo is for us all. There’s a warmth to their relationship and they can have a laugh together too.

I really like seeing positive adult adoptee examples as it is helping me and my partner see things long term, rather than just thinking about the immediate placement/funnelling/initial issues we will have to go through. Something that at this stage in the journey, we sometimes forget about.

Series 2 of Race Across the World is on Sunday evenings on BBC 2 at 8pm and available on  BBC iPlayer. At the time of writing Jo and Sam are both still in the race!

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Our First Christmas Morning

We adopted our two girls in April, so we had a good run into Christmas the first year.

Our girls were three and a half and one and a half at Christmas and while the younger was largely oblivious to what was going on, it was really our eldest who we wanted to make sure had an amazing and special time. It was interesting speaking to her about what she remembered from the previous Christmas when she had been in foster care, and it was obvious that she had had a nice Christmas the year before. We felt a lot of pressure – largely put on ourselves – to try and make Christmas absolutely perfect, complete with spending much of Christmas Eve building things and getting the presents under the tree just right. We also felt it was really important to start talking about our traditions, and what we planned to do not only this Christmas – but for all Christmases in the future.

The first Christmas morning was amazing. We had decided to do stockings in the bedroom, so they were able to open Stockings straight away and when we came downstairs, and they looked under the tree at what Santa had brought them – you could see they didn’t know where to look or what to look at. Especially the eldest, she couldn’t quite believe what she was seeing, and the look of wonder and amazement on her face was absolutely magical.

Our Experience before we were parents was obviously very different. We had no time to open our own presents this first year for obvious reasons – it really was all about the children. Prior to this, we had always loved Christmas, and had our traditions as a couple which as the kids get older, will be much easier to continue (and develop!). A niece had arrived a couple years before – so after we were finished at our house, we had gone to ‘Grandma’s’ to continue the gift opening – and it was just starting to change to be more kid-focused as she was growing up. The bonus now is that our eldest is the same age as her cousin and they both have such a wonderful bond.

The most distinct memory is seeing our eldest face and not knowing where to look first.  Also, our youngest trying desperately to open presents but not quite managing yet based on her age. Obviously, this will continue to progress going forward.

I think the only thing that was unexpected was how disappointed we ended up being that the girls didn’t have much of a chance to play with their new toys on Christmas day as it was full of opening presents at our house, then to Grandma’s, then there was eating in there and by the time all was said and done, it was bedtime! Certainly learned we needed to plan our day a bit better!

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Family Christmas Celebration

I remember not being able to sleep the first Christmas Eve we had with our son…

Our Son’s first Christmas with us was an amazing bundle of emotions.  He was 2 and I definitely think my husband and I were more excited about it than he was.  Growing up Christmas was always a big thing for us so I was super excited.  I remember not being able to sleep the first Christmas Eve we had with our son, and we couldn’t wait for him to wake up on Christmas morning. We had to wait until 8am for him to wake up and it was torture ha ha!  He opened his stocking in our bedroom and his wee face when he saw it was a picture.  He took a present out of his stocking and opened it very carefully and sat on the bed and played with it, he loved it, me on the other hand, couldn’t wait for him to open the rest of them.  Did I mention I was super excited ha ha

After he had opened his stocking we went downstairs to see the presents that Santa had left him.  Coming down the stairs he saw all the presents in the mirror and all we heard was “wow wow wow”.  He was so careful unwrapping the presents until we said “It’s okay you can rip them open” then all hell broke loose but it was such an amazing day.

Now Christmas Day is absolute bedlam in our house with the addition of our second son.  It’s loud with excitement and laughter and we wouldn’t have it any other way.  Their favourite thing to do on Christmas morning is to scoop up all the wrapping paper and put it all in a bin bag which they duly empties and starts all over again.  I loved Christmas growing up but I love it so much more with the boys.  It can get a bit overwhelming for them but we go at their pace and it has been known for all of us to be in our pj’s all day which is the best bit!

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Jehovah Witnesses Family Celebrations

Jehovah Witness come from diverse backgrounds world wide and made up of many different people from different cultures and ethnicity!

Our Jehovah Witnesses families believe the important values associated with being Jehovah Witnesses is love, respect, peace, honesty, connection and acceptance and they abide by these values by promoting it in their daily actions. They do not believe in violence and as such abstain from participating in violent or aggressive actions including military service.

Jehovah Witnesses believes in equality. They see all races and ethnicity as equal. Jehovah Witnesses come from diverse backgrounds world wide and made up of many different people from different cultures and ethnicity.  Our Jehovah Witnesses families appreciate their religion encourages connections that transcends boundaries within families but also within their wider community.

One family told us that “Throughout the year there are many special days where we celebrate together as family and friends. We don’t celebrate Christmas or Birthdays by giving presents on these occasions but by spending quality time as a family and extended family to reconnect, but presents are given year round not just on Christmas or birthdays. This might be by going on holiday, having quiet family time at home or doing a fun child friendly activity. Doing this for them promotes unity as a family, fun and shared joy. This year we all had a wonderful day at our nieces wedding. our Son was so proud to be her page boy! We’ve also had some exciting family trips away to celebrate wedding anniversaries. We take these times to reconnect with family who live further away. We had a great time catching up with family in South Africa enjoying time together on Safari. Cherished times making lasting memories whilst enjoying some phenomenal cakes!

We always make sure that achievements are celebrated. When Fraser’s cousin graduated from nursery the kids all loved the cakes and presents. Then before Fraser started primary school he had a party for all his friends – the bouncy castle was a huge hit. We have so many times through the year where we celebrate both an individual achievements and special family occasions.”

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Danish Golden Wedding Anniversary

“we wake up the couple with singing, often trumpet music or banging pots and pans – utter Danish madness”

In Denmark you celebrate your golden wedding anniversary probably like in most countries by having a party with all your nearest and dearest. The difference being that in Denmark local friends and neighbours meet up the night before the big day to create a wreath to hang round the main door of the couple’s house. It’s made by creating a long garland of pine branches with added flowers and fairy lights and then topped off with a heart shape sign with their names on which hangs above the door.

Once finished everyone is invited into the couples home for soup, cake and coffee. Everyone will then return very early the next morning to wake up the couple with singing, often trumpet music or banging pots and pans – utter Danish madness, I know! Once woken up the couple walks through the door with the wreath to greet their neighbour and friends once more. It’s a way of re-confirming their marriage as the same tradition/ritual happens at their wedding although people don’t show up in the morning thank goodness as you would be late for church!

The tradition is that you invite your friends and neighbours in again for breakfast and hopefully manage to ‘kick’ them out before the actual party starts later that day, it is certainly full on.

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Theraplay

“Theraplay has been indescribably beneficial for our family, and I don’t like to think of where we would be without it”

Theraplay has been indescribably beneficial for our family, and I don’t like to think of where we would be without it. Prior to starting Theraplay, our eldest (aged 6 and with us for 18 months) was displaying a lot of distressed behaviour, including anger, violence, inability to self-regulate, spitting, and controlling behaviour. We were struggling to cope and were at a low point of exhaustion and worry.

Theraplay has provided a gentle, targeted way to start tackling the underlying issues that drive his distressed behaviours, tailored to his needs and his responses week on week. It has provided professional assessment of his particular developmental gaps, emotional age and needs, and deep seated-fears, and it has done so in a way that felt enjoyable to our son. He loves his Theraplay sessions: it is clear that they are giving him something he needs at a very primal level.

Theraplay has provided a safe space where he can show us his true responses and feelings with no judgement, and where I as primary care-giver get support from a professional on how best to respond and help him regulate. In parallel with the sessions we are receiving professional feedback on his progress and explanations of what we can understand from his behaviours, where he is developmentally, and what things to concentrate on next. Having someone else shoulder that weight, even if it is only a couple of hours a fortnight, has been immensely valuable for my own well-being.

We have also been able to use the sessions to develop tools for him and us to identify his emotions, and to help manage them, and to bring him back to his thinking brain when he dips into fight/flight.

We are so grateful for the progress this has helped our boy make. The frequency of his rages and anger are reducing, and on a good day he is more able/willing to let us help him re-regulate. Previously the only emotion he could allow himself was anger, but he is now able to express sadness and to seek comfort from us when sad.

There is no doubt in my mind that his recent progress in developing a stronger and more trusting attachment with us is due to Theraplay. Previously he was desperate to love and be loved, but due to his early years trauma and neglect, he just could not allow himself to risk it. Theraplay has provided him with some of the early-years bonding, nurture, shared joy and being cared for experiences that he missed out on, which in turn is letting him open himself up to trusting that we will look after him and keep him safe. For the first time our son is allowing himself to express his feelings of love for his family: they have come pouring out of him and he is delighting in the reciprocal feelings of loving and being loved.

As parents, we feel much more supported and hopeful for the future since starting Theraplay. The feedback and analysis we receive takes a huge weight off our shoulders and leaves us with more emotional energy to help him through his distressed behaviours.  Theraplay hasn’t just helped him to love us, but has created moments and bonds that have helped our love for him start to evolve from conscious and determined to natural. I cannot fully describe how much that means to me, or how important it is for him to be loved as he deserves to be.

In the 6 months since starting Theraplay our family has moved from crisis mode to a place that feels comfortable and hopeful. We are seeing more and more of the beautiful, engaging boy underneath the trauma, and we have hope for that boy having a happy life and a positive future.

We have a long way to go before many ‘normal’ childhood activities are comfortable for him. With ongoing Theraplay we hope to keep making progress.

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Ready Steady Go Group Blog

Who is ready? Who is Ready Steady Go for School?

“Thank you for the Music”

Who is ready? Who is Ready Steady Go for School?

Week 1 of our new Primary 1 transition group and my colleague Kath and I are welcoming 7 children and their parents into the Green Room at Scottish Adoption.

Task 1 – finding your own super hero coat peg, putting away your shoes and depositing your water bottle into the tray. Following this, can we all “sit nicely on the floor” Sound tricky?

These uniform tasks are the starting block to most days in P1, but for some children, what may seem at first a simple request, actually requires a whole set of skills that not every child has developed before they start school.

For example:

  • Executive functioning skills that enable children to listen and respond to multi-part instructions.
  • Dexterity required to quickly change from outdoor to indoor shoes.
  • Emotional regulation to cope with separating from your parent.
  • Physical Regulation required to sit quietly on the floor following the excitement of all of the above.

Deep breath. It’s now 10 minutes into our 90 minute session. Things are happening with mixed results. However, it WILL be fine, as I have Kath, our Music Therapist, who I have now taken to affectionately referring to as My Music Lady with for this session.  Just as it’s about to look a little bit chaotic, cue the music.

The Collins English Dictionary defines an earworm as: “a catchy song or tune that runs continually through a person’s mind”. Bear this in mind.

Kath begins playing the chorus from one of the 3 songs that form the scaffolding to our sessions. Songs that underpin our key messages about school. For example:

  • The hello/goodbye song (building resilience around separation/reunions).
  • The packing your bag Song (a cheerful little ditty – designed to help with executive functioning, specifically the battle against lost items).
  • The Ready Steady Go Song (a regulation song designed help kids to move from excited to calm).

“Songs bring the structure, structure brings the safety” a wise woman once said. Like magic, children are now transfixed and we’re onto another weekly staple, a school themed story and some basic comprehension.

After consultation with colleagues from Education, we’ve chosen 4 weekly themes. For example, personal space, working together, turn taking and listening. A particular favourite of mine was teaching the kids the concept of the personal space bubble, the hard sell being that personal space awareness is in-fact a Super Hero power. Now we have 6 children charging around the room for a game of musical statues, finding their spot to stop within their own “space bubble”. Brilliant.

On top of the children’s element of this programme, we also offered parents a workshop. This session is aimed at providing a space for parents to discuss in detail any behaviour that the group has highlighted. If these issues can’t be resolved with advice, the group provides a platform for referring families onto one of the other multi-professional areas within the Scottish Adoption Therapy Centre.

So, thank you for the music and for the opportunity to spend time with 7 little Super Heroes, who I’m confident will all give school their very best shot and smash it.

Melanie Thomson
Children’s Worker Scottish Adoption

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Teen Groups

It’s 4pm on a Friday afternoon and my work for the day in my role as Children’s Worker at Scottish Adoption is about to begin.

Smells Like Teen Spirit

This afternoon’s events are a slight change from the norm. Instead of running our two young peoples’ groups, the Young Teens (ages 12-14 years) and the Old Teens (ages 15-18 years), we’re merging both, creating a super group and embarking on a rock climbing session.

We have 15 kids tonight, with the Young Teens having only recently having come together as a group and their older peers now over two years in. Looking at the larger group, it’s not hard to distinguish who belongs to which group.

In fact, if Attenborough were here, he’d be gently encouraging us to observe some key behaviour from these very different species. The proximity that the Young Teens have to their parents on arrival, standing separately, somewhat unsure of one another and eagerly looking for an ally. For some, this group might be the first time they’ve had the opportunity to forge a friendship with another adopted young person. For others, it might be that friendships in general are tricky. Three weeks into this new group and we still have the full pack. As a facilitator, I’m quietly elated.

The parents of the Young Teens are also acting as we anticipated they would; some question if their child linking in with peers with similar issues is a risk. There’s no doubt that bringing vulnerable children together can feel tricky. However, for adopted adolescents the teenage years can present a number of complexities with regards to identity, birth family and relationships.  During these times, the therapeutic support the group provides is invaluable and it can be argued that this is a risk well worth taking.

Looking across the room, I can see parents chatting and some swapping numbers. We hoped that this would happen, as even a five minute conversation sharing a family struggle can feel incredibly supportive. I hear “I get it. I understand. We’ve been there too!”

Despite the inherent commonalities of the Young Teens, the word adoption has so far only been mentioned once. This is because the focus for the year ahead is to have fun and to build trust with one another. Once this is established, the magic starts to happen.  Our plan to achieve this is simple. Games, team-work challenges, laughter and fun of the old fashioned variety are the order of the day.

Cast a look at the Older Teens and we see an entirely different picture. Some bodies entwined, others actively avoiding each other. I smell hormones and there’s an air of exclusivity to their huddle. This group has recently regressed from what could be defined in group work terms as their performing stage, to a more fractured state.  Having recently worked together incredibly well to organise and facilitate the Adoption Voices Conference (an overwhelming success by the way), followed by a number of changes to the group’s structure, the packs sense of safety has been jeopardised and they’re now re-grouping. In group work theory, this is known as Storming.

We’re back at the office for pizza and, before the last slice has been eaten, my co-worker and I have already diffused one major outburst, several mini dramas and watched an in-joke erupt into tears of laughter. Having already established a robust level of trust with one other, no subject is off limits. One of the questions they’ve asked this evening are, “If you could choose, would you rather not have had the experience of being adopted?”

I never cease to be blown away by the bravery of these kids. They regularly share their deepest private feelings with one another. They say they can’t do this with 99% of their other friends, but they do it here. This is their safe space.

However, with such intensity of emotions, some sessions can be difficult. This evening was tricky at best. Facilitating, or as described sometimes as the Conducting of a group, can mean digging deep into my skill base. For example, working to turn negative situations into learning experiences, constantly monitoring  the power dynamics, ensuring emotional/physical safety and doing this whilst genuinely (and they know if you’re not) staying attuned and joining in the fun and energy of the session.

There’s a reason adolescents are attracted to gangs, to packs and groups. Peer groups are a mirror. They’re practice for the wider world and they help teenagers develop social confidence. For adopted young people they’re more than that. They reduce feelings of isolation and provide a therapeutic community. Group work isn’t easy. It can be complex and often exhausting. But, reader, I love it.

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